Having a threesome is one of the most common sexual fantasies. But unlike the perfectly choreographed scenes we see in porn and in the movies, threesomes IRL can get a little awkward at times, especially if it’s a new experience. That’s why sex expert, Mia Sabat, is sharing her advice about how to have a threesome, without it ending in disaster.
Let’s start at the beginning:
Discuss boundaries
Setting clear boundaries for sex is vital. So before you get it on, get really clear about everyone’s limits. Be as specific as you can. Is oral sex off the cards? Do you want to rule out anal sex although it’s something you usually do? Are you okay with your partner penetrating another person but don’t want them to share a long and passionate kiss? Hey, some of these boundaries might seem absurd at times, but humans are emotional beings and our desires aren’t always logical. So think long and hard about what your red lines are, then communicate those with the other people who’ll be involved in the threesome.
You might think that mulling over the details like this could take away the magic of the moment, but it’s important to anticipate potential problems before they happen. And remember that while you might not be able to anticipate everything, you can always stop at any moment if you realize that you’re uncomfortable with something.
Don’t forget foreplay
Just like in any type of sex, foreplay is essential. So build up the excitement gradually with gentle kissing, slow caresses, or whatever it is that brings you closer or excites you.
If you’re feeling a bit uninspired about what to do here, check out these hot foreplay ideas to drive you and your partners wild.
Don’t go crazy with positions
Even when we’re at this kissing and caressing stage, you could be feeling a bit lost about how to position yourself.
Of course, a quick internet search will unearth thousands of wonderful positions, but the most important thing is that you’re all comfortable. Nobody’s going to enjoy a super difficult position that only yoga masters can achieve. And keep in mind that if some sex positions are already complicated with two people, they’re going to be even more complicated with three.
Another factor to bear in mind when choosing positions is the type of genitals involved. An MFM threesome (male-female-male) can look very different to an FMF one(female-male-female) for example.
And don’t get obsessed about the three of you doing something deeply arousing at the same time. Sex is about more than just your genitals. And it’s also not about everyone cumming at the same time. In fact, none of that is necessary for a good threesome! Remember that simply sharing a massage or kissing is a lot of fun, and adding a third person can make it even more thrilling.
It's also okay for some positions to focus more on two people while the third watches or takes a break, as long as that doesn't make anyone feel left out. And don't forget that mutual masturbation for three is also a great option, and can be a perfect way to end the sexual encounter.
What to do during a threesome
You may be wondering if there are any sexual activities that you should do during threesomes. In short, no. Threesomes, like any form of sex, are all about having a good time and being comfortable. Don't worry about doing something memorable or novel.
Having said that, one thing that some people want to try out when having a threesome is double penetration, or DP. When people talk about DP, they often think about a woman being penetrated by two penises at once, usually vaginally and anally. While it’s one of the most fantasized about activities within threesomes, putting it into practice can be a bit tricky. This is because it can be difficult to find a comfortable position and synchronize two erections or lubrications.
An alternative and potentially easier way to do double penetration is to use sex toys, have one of the penetrations in the mouth, or including a love doll.
Keep it safe
Another important thing to keep in mind is that the more people involved, the more careful you have to be about safe sex. If nobody wants to share fluids, you need to be careful with hands and mouths, and think about where you’ve been before touching or kissing another person.
So make sure to talk about how you’re going to have safe sex before the encounter. It might seem like a bit of a mood-killer, but it’s super important so that you don’t worry about it later. And you don’t want to go into a threesome worrying about contracting an STI, you just want to relax and enjoy it!
Consider dental dams
When it comes to safe sex, we often just think of condoms for penetrative and oral sex. We rarely give any thought to dental dams. If you’re not familiar with them, dental dams are basically pieces of latex or polyurethane that are used to cover the vulva before oral sex. If you don't have one, you can make one by cutting off the tip of a condom and cutting it lengthwise. You can even make one with a latex or nitrile glove, leaving the thumb hole as a place for the tongue. As you can see there are many options, but what shouldn’t be an option is unsafe sex.
Think about gloves
And since we've mentioned gloves, while they may not strike you as a common accessory for safe sex, they’re actually very useful for a number of reasons. In a threesome, they're great because you can swap gloves between partners and not have to worry about exchanging fluids, or you can even color-code each hand with a different type of glove, so you remember which one is for each person. Either way, as a threesome or as a couple, protection is essential to protect against sexually transmitted infections and unwanted pregnancies. So don't neglect it.
Remember you can stop at any time
So far, so good. You’ve set yourself up for a sexy and safe threesome with people who make you feel at ease and everyone is sticking to the boundaries they discussed in advance. But what if during sex you start to feel uncomfortable? We can come to any sexual practice open to enjoying ourselves and letting ourselves go, and then in the moment find that we don’t like it, or realize that we don't want to do something in particular, or that we’re not enjoying something that we thought we would. In that case, you should remember this: no matter how far along you are in a sexual encounter, if you want to stop, you have the right to stop.
Regret, doubts and fear are all feelings that can arise when you’re having sex. So if at any time you feel you want to stop, it’s important that you listen to yourself and do just that. Remember that just as you started because you wanted to, you can back out whenever you want to.
What to do if jealousy arises
If jealousy arises and you weren't expecting it, talk about it. Whatever it is that’s interrupted your desire, it’s best to stop, talk about it openly, respectfully and without shame, and explain that you’ve changed your mind. The best way to do this without making anyone feel bad or blaming others is to talk about how you feel, rather than how others have made you feel. You’re in control, so if you're uncomfortable, speak up.
And if you’re part of a couple, you should understand that you each have the right to have different feelings and emotions and neither should get angry with the other person for having a different experience.
Don’t be misled by clichés
For many of us, our exposure to threesomes is what we’ve seen in porn or in the movies. While they’re often presented in a porny and superficial way, a threesome can be very intimate and full of emotions. So don’t let what you’ve seen in the media dictate how to have a threesome. The most important thing is for you to enjoy the experience. That’s ultimately what sex is all about.
Learn more about threesomes with Emjoy
If you’re interested in learning more about threesomes, including how to decide if it’s for you, check out our audio collection on the Emjoy app. It’s packed full of information about how to decide if it’s for you and how to communicate your desire to a partner or a third person.
