How to sext (and not cringe)


Daisy Bata

How to sext (and not cringe)
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Sexting is a skill. A finely crafted skill that requires practice and sometimes very careful consideration. Getting someone wetter than an otter’s pocket with a single text is equivalent to a 3.8 in the diving olympics (skilled af, in other words). But have no fear! Your sexting fairy godmothers are here and we’re going to guide you towards a midnight thumb tap that leads to a toe-curling finish. Do we love you or what?

If you prefer listening rather than reading, we have an audio guided session on the app all about sexting.

Get consent first

Before continuing, this is a given for all of the following advice. You must first ask for consent. “Do you fancy talking a little dirty?” is a nice, clean opener - and if they say “no”, don’t send them a dick pic/nude/”but I’m hooornyyyyy”. Just respect it and move on. Unsolicited dirty texts can be really unpleasant, especially if they pop up whilst you’re flicking through holiday snaps on your phone with your boss at that exact moment.

Don’t try and be Shakespeare

None of this “your sunflower seed”* nonsense. It’s a vulva, a pussy, a clit, your lips. Of course, if you’re uncomfortable with saying these words, try and find a repertoire that you and your fleet fingered friend can stick with. Boat ones can work: “there’s a stiff breeze”, “I’ll pull into the dock”, something about “seaman”.... on second thought, maybe not.*real experience from the Emjoy team

But keep it classy

“You’re a filthy animal” really can go one of two ways - instant blocking or a response in the vein of “yes I am, do you like it?”. The vital thing here is that you need to discern what the vibe is between the two of you. Don’t start off with the hard, crass stuff. Know your audience. Ask questions. “Are you naughty or nice?”, “Do you like it soft, dirty or hard?” or a good old-fashioned “I’m hard/horny/wet/erotically charged” always lends itself to a response that helps you gauge the situation.

Just because you sext it, doesn’t mean you really want to do it

You shouldn’t feel worried that because in your sexting fantasy they’ve turned up at your office and banged you in front of the whole team that that means they’ll think they have to do it in real life. And in the same vein, don’t assume that because they like something while sexting that they’ll like it in real life. Just because they’re using words in a sext, doesn’t mean they will necessarily like them in bed, for example “slut” or “pussy”. Sexting can be one of two things - a kind of talking-each-other-through what you’re actually doing (“my hand is here, thinking about you is making me feel this way” etc. etc.) or it can be a fantasy that you’re running through together (“You’re licking my mermaid tail and I’m watching the octopus devour it’s own mother” y’know, whatever). Either way, remember that what happens in the sext, stays in the sext, unless explicitly stated otherwise.

Use it as foreplay

Sexting is an excellent way to add a spark to an otherwise floundering sexual relationship. Rather than waiting for them to spontaneously grab you in the midst of a Netflix marathon or resigning yourself to the same routine, sexting can add a build up until the moment you can ravish each other IRL. Think of it as one long session of foreplay until you get to touch each other.

For the love of God, puns are not sexy.

“Did you get my junk mail?” Yes and that is exactly where it is going, in the trash, with a pun like that. Try harder.

Never send a nude without consent

This doesn’t just go for dick pics, drowning in them as we may be. When you’ve consented, nudes are hot, they’re fun, they can be nearly as good as the real thing. When it’s not been requested, it actually feels quite violating. Just don’t do it, ‘kay?

Safeguard your sexts

There are multiple apps nowadays that allow you to send texts that are automatically deleted or encrypted. You can use Telegram or Snapchat, plus apps that store your nude pics in a separate folder. Also remember to turn off push notifications to avoid awkward sexts popping in unseemly situations, like when you’re showing Grandma your baby pics. We have a whole post about safely sending nudes.

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