What comes to mind when you hear the word ‘seduction’? Perhaps you think of a cougar type femme fatale? Buying a stranger a drink across a crowded bar? Rose petals on a lover’s bed? Or a full outfit of latex with accompanying whips and handcuffs to put a ‘spark’ back into a long term partnership?
Let’s get this something clear straight away.
To seduce someone you don’t need gimmicks, tricks, toys or even an abundance of cash to splash.
You don’t need to meet a made up and unrealistic beauty standard. You don’t even need to have perfect self-esteem and unwavering body confidence to be ‘sexy’.
All you need is to be is ...yourself
Seduction is a game of psychology, not beauty. It’s about anticipation and suggestion, these can be created with a new person but not exclusively so!
We often think that seduction is something that you only bring to a new relationship but by bringing it into longer term relationships, you’re guaranteed to have a more creative and fulfilling sex life long into your years together.
There are two things to know about the seduction process.
To begin with, it takes a bit of work with yourself. If you don’t find YOURSELF desirable it’s hard to fully lose yourself in the seduction of another person.
The next thing is to know is what actions you need to take to create surrender in your target.
Once you’ve got an understanding of these two elements everything becomes less overwhelming.
You might think it strange to focus on yourself first but getting to know your own desirability and what YOU find sexy is really important.
Self-discovery is not selfish
Start to pay attention to what awakens your senses, it is a type of fabric, a smell, how you put moisturiser on your skin? Or is all about your environment e.g. tiding away clutter or lighting a candle so there’s a sense of calm.
Try taking photos for no one other than yourself. Set up your room with low lighting, put on an outfit you like or slowly take off an item of clothing until you’re naked.
Take more time to fantasise and see what comes up for you.
Spend time getting to know your desires before focusing on someone else's.
One good use of your self-discovery time is to assess how comfortable you feel without clothes. If dancing around your room (or doing a strip tease) fills you with horror, then the invitation is to spend a few minutes each day just looking in a mirror and paying yourself a compliment. When negative thoughts arise, be firm to push them out of your mind. The brain is malleable and we can change our thought patterns over time, but it takes conscious work and effort.
It can be tempting to think that in order to be sexually alluring to someone else you have to reach a body goal or change your personality to fit the person in front of you.
This is not true AT ALL.
Your body is desirable. Put unrealistic expectations of what a ‘sexy body’ looks like in the bin. You do not need to lose a single pound to be sexy or seductive
This is diet culture BS.
Sexiness is not a dress size or a body type
Truth is, sexiness is a mindset that you can cultivate.
What’s hot is being with someone who embraces exactly who they are in a genuine way and enhances those traits.
Let's get down to seducing another person.
Eye contact and how you move around a space can be a great place to start. If you’re in a bar, can you pass by their table and catch their eye while on the way to the bathroom?
Once you get into conversation, note the cues both verbal and nonverbal that the other person is giving off. If they’re leaning in, mirror their body language. If they’re tactile, see how they respond to a touch of their arm. Whereas if they’re keeping their space, honour that.
Ask questions. There’s few things that people find more attractive than feeling seen and listened to. One piece of advice though: make asking about their job way down the list of questions, as humans we are so much more than our 9-5s.
Ask about their childhoods, what they like to do in their spare time, their ambitions or their greatest adventure. You’ll get far more conversation to build on than finding out they work in I.T. and hate it.
Be playful and forget the outcome when it comes to new connections
This is important - you cannot seduce everyone - you’re not pizza.
Be authentic, don’t laugh at a joke that you find offensive and don’t say you like bands you’ve never heard of. If there’s one thing to remember from this blog, it is to be yourself.
Smile. While Hollywood might suggest that seduction is all about the smolder, in reality, an open and genuine smile is a winner over a pout and let's the other person know you like their company.
Seduction within relationships
It can be hard to bring spiciness back into a current relationship. However, when it comes to seducing a current partner, take time to understand their core emotional needs and what they need in order to feel sexy. Do they need to feel excited or safe or relaxed in order to get in the mood?
Then build on this knowledge - are they tactile, auditory or visual? Think about what senses they like, is it touch, taste, smell or are they visual?
These are what’s called seduction learning styles.
There is a misunderstanding that seduction in a long term relationship means toys or the Karma Sutra. However, it largely simply comes down to understanding how to get your partner present and open to connection. Bells and whistles are fun but come secondary to making them feel relaxed, appreciated and adored.
Planning in sex may sound like the death nell of romance but it’s proven to be incredible successful for couples with lots of busy commitments.
As you now know, seduction is about anticipation and suggestion. So if you’ve planned a night of sex for Saturday, what can you do all week to build the mood? Maybe send a sexy photo every day? Text or talk about your fantasies? Share what you’re going to wear? Or simply clean your bedroom and remote all technology out of sight?
Start acting how you did on your first, fifth and tenth date.
Modern life means we are all tired and busy, the key to seduction in a long term relationship is to see business as a creative challenge not a problem. Take it turns to seduce one another so that the work doesn’t fall to one partner all the time.
Seduction is a skill you can learn
The last and perhaps most important thing to know about seduction is that, like sexual technique, it’s a skill and not something you’re automatically going to have. However, like all skills it can be learned and developed over time. Great news!
To learn more about seduction learning styles you can visit Emjoy’s seduction collection.